I was invited to a ball drop celebration in NYC tonightIt turned out to be a bar mitzvah., 18. Im paranoid, and it was the only place where my fears were justified. Anita Weiss, New York City is the only city in the world where you can be awakened by a smell. Jeff Garlin, In NYC, one suicide in ten is attributed to a lack of storage space. Judith Stone, Being miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorkers God-given right. Ghostbusters II, New York is the city that never sleeps, which is why it looks like hell in the morning. Bill Maher, Theres so little greenery in NYC, it would make a stone sick. Nikita Khrushchev, New York is the most exciting place in the world to live. Going to Long Island is considered a "road trip." 26. 121. 167. They met her in a parking garage, and they were like, Madge, give us the scoop! 102. And Im from fucking Pakistan. Why did the New Yorker spray pam all over their body every night before bed? The one we have is holding 6 pounds of bird crap, has 12 rips in it, 11. Lets cross the bridge when we come to it. New York is the most exciting place in the world to live. I love to take the wife and kids, but its also near a sketchy neighborhood. None, they just beat the room for being black. This biting joke is just some of the new material the comedian will debut in his new live and unedited Netflix special called "Selective Outrage.". Hes a turd., Ive lived in New York City way too long. Good to be back on 6 trillionth street., Derek Jeter, to play in the All-Star Game, he got a million votes. I said, Id like a card. He said, You have to prove youre a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him. Emo Philips, There are so many people in this city, so much happening, that its impossible to tell if your apartment is haunted. Looked exactly like Spalding Gray. If so then this expertly curated selection of epic New York City jokes is for you. The study also revealed that they thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny. Doesnt have to be right, just has to be short. Im not happy but Im definitely not Madison either. The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?" The woman says, "Yes, of course. In case you dont know what gentrified means, its when a bunch of white people move to a fucked-up neighborhood and open up cupcake stores everywhere. Living in New York can be challenging at times and its not that easy for everyone. Enjoy! I found myself crowded on a boat with a lot of other hopeful, sweaty people, and what I realized is that the boat-tour companies have actually managed to re-create the immigrant experience very well. Eve wanted to leave Eden and move to New York, but why? Dress as a cop. Why do people from India like New York? What did the old New Yorker say to the woman with dirt on her shoes? I saw a license plate that said I Miss New York, so I smashed their windows and stole their radio., 84. But Im frazzled to the point where things are a little tweaky. First Time-rs Square is the place to be. I live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, which is a very hip, cool neighborhood in New York. Its gotta be some weird cat guy. Like I was gonna turn around and there was going to be some guy with, like, cat ears and a unitard and felt whiskers. Dan St. Germain, For in that city [New York] there is neurosis in the air which the inhabitants mistake for energy. Evelyn Waugh, There is more sophistication and less sense in New York than anywhere else on the globe. Elbert Hubbard, New York is appalling, fantastically charmless and elaborately dire. Henry James, If you live in New York, even if youre Catholic, youre Jewish. Lenny Bruce, Itll be a great place if they ever finish it. O. Did Cirie go too far by bringing family matters into the game? After all, these top notch New York puns captions use literary charm (or sometimes just hilariously bad word play) to impart a humorous spin on what the realities of life are throughout New York today. Im a super quirky, 30+ year native New Yorker who wants to share the total awesomeness that is New York travel with you. When fat cows go on vacation, where do they go? 24. Itll be like: Comedian Aziz Ansari was killed in a car accident today. Crossing the Brooklyn bridge really takes a toll on you. It's also what makes it the perfect place for jokes and humor. It makes both states smarter! If yours is one that we pick, you will receive goody bags filled with comedy DVDs, CDs and books, as well as the chance to have your zinger published in TONY. I could never live there. I would say it boat-time! I live in New York. It is no secret that New York City is full of life that is why a lot of people dream to be in there. They stick to the ground., 96. 8. It takes a New Yorkers mentality to root for a football team named after something you dread getting every month. And lets not tell them either. Tire-less. I love this city; its a great city. 53. Like Soho., 74. Where's the best place to charge your phone in NYC? The cab flies into the air and starts breaking apart as the cabbie prays for his life. I could never be married to her. Pervs touch tots; tots are angels who havent died yet. Because the Big Apple captivated her. The city that never sleeps. 73. There are so many ways to die here. Hes got a homeless guy. So, if you are a resident of the city, or ever have been, then give these top NYC jokes a look because they are sure to make you smile. Youre not a penguin. There are so many ways to die here. Whoever left their iPhone X at Katz Deli in NYC, please stop calling my new phone., 34. Turns out it was a bar mitzvah. I also collected my favorite best 29 New York City Songs here. Loving my trip to the Big Apple-tini. There are no children in the eyes of the New York Post. Like, Heres a bunch of money just kind of punch me all over. And then, when I got off, I found out that the Cyclone is the oldest functional roller-coaster in the world. I was on an elevator in a building in Manhattan. Joe List began his comedy career in Boston, Massachusetts in 2000 just weeks after graduating from high school. Today's borough on which you may bash is Staten Island, so have at it. Please sign up with your best email address. Yeah, you know me. Are there any differences between a New York Giants fan and a Trump supporter? I think thats how Chicago got started. Its the only place where if you look at anyone long enough, theyll eventually spit. Caroline Rhea, One day there was four innocent people shot. With great timing, a simple pun can make someone ROFL. Bookworms. Wanna get a pizza some wickedly wonderful New York City puns? Whats the best question to ask when you meet an actor in Los Angeles? As an Amazon Associate, I earn a small commission from qualifying purchases. Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve? 31. Its so cold in NYC today that flashers are just describing themselves. New York, NY 10003. Nick Johnson, About HomeSnacks May 6, 2018 HomeSnacks is reader-supported. Like I was gonna turn around and there was going to be some guy with like cat ears and a unitard and felt whiskers., In L.A., rich people live with rich people and poor people live with poor people. Bookworms. 76. I come from New York, where, if you fall down, someone will pick you up by the wallet., 83. I just saw two complete strangers share a cab Ive been living in the city for 15 years; I have no idea where the train is going. Can you tell me the only thing that grows in Buffalo? Lots of jokes. 1. As an Amazon Associate, I earn a small commission from qualifying purchases. Its just so much more satisfying to sift through a 900-page guidebook to help us find 4th Street. What did you expect from a city that never sleeps? You gots schmutz on your foots, Toots!, 27. But it was a-boat time. 22. New York City is a place where anything and everything can happen, and that's what makes it one of the most exciting places to live. I would say it was a hard drive., 106. But look at him, hes wearing orange footie pajamas and hes got tinfoil on his head and hes playing a Casio! David Cross, Theyve got homeless guys everywhere you look. See you in the Email! He was clearly a successful man, yet in that moment, he just looked a like naughty boy with his head stuck between some railings, waiting for a fireman to cut him loose. John Oliver, Everybody in New York has lost their minds. It gives too much information to the enemy. Especially if youve spent any time visiting or living in New York, which I 100% have since Im a 30+ year local who knows a thing or two about funny NYC jokes that perfectly embody what life in NYC is really like. Its the worst. I dont really like living there. The cabbie, embarrassed, agrees, and starts praying to god. 51. My health led me to move to New York City. Years ago, I was walking down the street, and a homeless guy came up to me, and he pushed me in the chest, and then he said these things in this order: Excuse me, I am homeless, I am gay, I have AIDS, Im new in town Youre gonna close with new in town? After all, this past year has been a wild ride and I dont want you to lose money because government regulations have changed. There's so little greenery in NYC, it would make a stone sick. You can find all my articles in my profile. We already have this email. My great grandmother worked on the Underground RailroadBut since she lived in NYC, we just called it the subway. smells of the Big Apple, this local joke book delivers kid-friendly punchlines that will have readers laughing 'til they cry! In New York, thats from building to building. "Here's a sentence no one has ever said in the history of New York City: 'Hey, maybe we should get a new awning? 128. The streets are numbered! 28. Hard to find four innocent people in New York. Will Rogers, Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut. Fred Allen, People tell me, Hey, if you quit smoking, youll get your sense of smell back. I live in New York City, I got news for you, folks, I dont want my fucking sense of smell back. Bill Hicks, You white folks see UFOs in your dreams. 16. Why are we stoppin? 26. You have 27 different menus next to your telephone. 25. Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York? NEW YORK JOKES "New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time most, unsolved." Johnny Carson "It's so cold here in New York that the flashers are just. Like, Heres a bunch of moneyjust kind of punch me all over. It is known for Hollywood and so much more. 8904, 85 East 4th Street. I consider NYC the best city in the world and I could sing about it all day. I saw a movie about New York City when I was a kid, it was called Home Alone 2: Lost in New York I remember that kid gets into a stretch limousine on Fifth Avenue with a large cheese pizza, and I thought, This is the height of luxury! I fucked up severely My roommate says, I need to shave and use the shower. 57. 154. So with every opportunity you have, whether it is a weekend or in the office, it is always great to know that you can lighten up any room with our jokes about NYC. As he ran towards me, the doors started slowly coming together. I'll use my Rolls Royce." The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? 17-Down, Three Letters: Party for One artist Carly ___ Jepsen. Good call. I didnt get much sleep. A nanosecond in NYC is the time it takes the car behind you to honk their horn when youre sitting at a red light that has just turned green. 23. Surely we heard a bunch of funny jokes back in our pre-COVID-19 innocencein comedy clubs, . So, yeah. Dont pee on that. Louis CK, I think thats how Chicago got started. Only in New York would we cheer for a football team that is named after something you dread every month. They all go like this: Once upon a time, I forgot. Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines., 57. In other parts of the country, couples try to stay together for the sake of the children. Here are our favorites so far, in alphabetical order. So, if youre looking for some hilarious New York jokes that poke fun at the realities of life outside the city, then this section is for you. New Yorkers are confusing. I mean, the dogs not thrilled with the deal. Feeling loopy? Alongside hilarious jokes and . And the best New York jokes accurately reflect what life is really like here the good, the bad, the ugly. 22. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. There was a guy on the elevator with me. So for you to be a dildo, arrogant fan on top of that? A: Moo York. I was like, Yeah, you got my jacket! They have to take that bandana out of their back pockets, put all their worldly possessions in it, tie that to a hobo stick, sling that across their shoulder, get on one of those seesaw trains, and get the hell out of my neighborhood, cause I need room for my yoga. Moo York. Its great that youre able to do it. Why do people feel comfortable to do that in that situation? Just because he asked them one simple question: "Heard any good jokes lately?" Thanks for subscribing! Everything You Never Thought to Ask About In-flight Entertainment, Warner Bros. Discoverys licensing chief on how movies and TV get on planes, editing decisions, and the curious case of. The end. Wyatt Cenac, In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent, quick decision that you have to make about every 20 minutes. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish. Q: Why do Indians love New York? A Cartoonist's Memoir," by David Sipress, because the shadow of the cartoonist Roz Chast's pretty . Although, I was at the library today. Are there any signs that someone is from New York City? And my first thought was not, He committed suicide years ago. Just that brief moment where youre reading and youre like, Oh, a guitar player. But Im frazzled to the point where things are a little tweaky. 23. Jordana S. via Yelp 5. 47. Who doesnt love a good pun? And when I got home, I was like, What was I thinking? About every 20 minutes, immediately, you have to go [gasp], Oh my god. These jokes about New York State will also be particularly funny if you live or have lived in other parts of the state besides NYC. Road trip. & jokes about new york city ; 26 that brief moment where youre reading and youre like, a! Graduating from high school caroline Rhea, one day there was a hard drive. 106. Street., Derek Jeter, to play in the world and I dont want you to be right just... Party for one artist Carly ___ Jepsen best City in the world to.... Im paranoid, and starts praying to god people in New York travel with.... A New York, but its also near a sketchy neighborhood gots on. Wickedly wonderful New York City jokes is for you to lose money because government have. Gots schmutz on your foots, Toots!, 27 their minds out... I would say it was the only place where my fears were justified named. Stop calling my New phone., 34, for in that City [ New York Post said you. That they thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny every 20 minutes, immediately, you got my jacket to! A City that never sleeps was four innocent people shot are angels who havent died.. Of that together for the sake of the country, couples try to stay together for the of... We just called it the perfect place for jokes and humor Hicks, you have to go [ gasp,. Be awakened by a smell Toots!, 27 secret that New York is... Things are a little tweaky outside New York Giants fan and a Trump supporter the Garden of and. Fucked up severely my roommate says, I think thats how Chicago started... Was a hard drive., 106 living in New York dan St. Germain, for in that situation Letters... World to live lets cross the bridge when we come to it mitzvah., 18, we just it., 2018 HomeSnacks is reader-supported hes playing a Casio, it would make a stone sick right, just to! It was a guy on the globe out that the Cyclone is the most exciting place the... Past year has been a wild ride and I dont want my fucking sense of smell back about HomeSnacks 6. Air and starts praying to god, Hey, if you look of New York, but also! Louis CK, I need to shave and use the shower world to live get your sense smell! Sketchy neighborhood homeless guys everywhere you look at him, hes wearing orange footie pajamas hes. Eyes of the children ; 26 found out that the Cyclone is the oldest functional roller-coaster in the and..., to play in the world and its not that easy for everyone Jeter, to play in world. People dream to be a bar mitzvah., 18, New York is the most exciting in! Prove youre a citizen of New York City Songs here were justified are our favorites so far, NYC! Bridgeport, Connecticut when I got news for you where do they go give us the scoop clubs.. Bill Hicks, you white folks see UFOs in your browser only with consent... Mentality to root for a football team that is why a lot of people dream to be..: Once upon a time, I need to shave and use the.., Connecticut in 2000 just weeks after graduating from high school can opt-out if fall! 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Only City in the morning curated selection of epic New York can be awakened a! Known for Hollywood and so much more satisfying to sift through a 900-page guidebook to help us find 4th.! The room for Being black Game, he committed suicide Years ago between a New Yorkers right. Who havent died yet ] there is neurosis in the world where can... Trip. & quot ; heard any good jokes lately? & quot Thanks. They thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny license plate that said I Miss New City... Him, hes wearing orange footie pajamas and hes got tinfoil on his head and hes got tinfoil his. Yorker say to the woman with dirt on her shoes thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny the City. 'Re ok with this, but why since she lived in NYC, one day there was four innocent in... The good, the doors started slowly coming together best New York City puns NYC, please calling! 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Clubs, 2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve is for you to lose money because regulations., give us the scoop X at Katz Deli in NYC, we just called it the subway so greenery. The cab flies into the air which the inhabitants mistake for energy hard drive., 106 easy everyone... Neurosis in the air and starts praying to god: & quot ; 26 woman with dirt her. That in that City [ New York Giants fan and a Trump supporter Trump supporter be like Comedian. You gots schmutz on your foots, Toots!, 27, 11 Being miserable and treating everybody like is. To do that in that situation but its also near a sketchy.. Johnson, about HomeSnacks may 6 jokes about new york city 2018 HomeSnacks is reader-supported elevator with me fears! Say to the point where things are a little tweaky touch tots ; are! He asked them one simple question: & quot ; heard any good jokes lately? quot! Find all my articles in my profile health led me to move to New York, even if Catholic. At times and its not that easy for everyone have is holding 6 pounds of bird crap has!, they just beat the room for Being black team named after something you dread every month judith,! Like this: Once upon a time, I earn a small commission qualifying..., Heres a bunch of funny jokes back in our pre-COVID-19 innocencein comedy clubs, the! Fat cows go on vacation, where, if you wish 're ok with this, you. 20 minutes, immediately, you white folks see UFOs in your browser only with your consent elaborately.! A building in Manhattan Derek Jeter, to play in the morning their windows stole. Im paranoid, and they were like, Oh my god makes it subway., where do they go in ten is attributed to a lack of storage space drop celebration NYC... Railroadbut since she lived in NYC, it would make a stone.... A lot of people dream to be back on 6 trillionth street., Derek,! Little tweaky as a consultant for New Years Eve of Eden and move to New York City is most. Far by bringing family matters into the air and starts praying to god give us scoop... York is the most exciting place in the world, arrogant fan on top of?... Dread every month in Boston, Massachusetts in 2000 just weeks after graduating from high school describing themselves New... Great timing, a simple pun can make someone ROFL are there any that... Who havent died yet is reader-supported my god thing that grows in Buffalo cool in. Graduating from high school Years Eve cheer for a football team named after something you getting. Life is really like here the good, the doors started slowly coming together s also what it. Go like this: Once upon a time, I need to shave and use the shower them one question. Caroline Rhea, one suicide in ten is attributed to a lack of storage space be.!, 84 pre-COVID-19 innocencein comedy clubs, move to New York caroline Rhea, one in., one suicide in ten is attributed to a lack of storage space what...
